You’re pouring your heart out about last night’s tragedy.

Sitting across from your best friend at the cafe. She picks up her phone.

And now — she’s plucking away a text!

Definitely not texting you…

Why would she? You’re right across from her!

You see the hand swiftly scrolling, stopping the screen every so often, eyes fixed, then darting, yet hardly blinking.

Now, she just snickered a little. Smiled.

But you didn’t even say anything funny!

You were telling her about your awful night with your boyfriend!

“Hey!”

You just touched her hand (or slammed your fist on the table – your choice).

Your friend jolts and stares at you blankly.

Yet insists she was “listening” to you- really.

Bet if you gave her a quiz, she wouldn’t even know what day it was.

Unless she checked her phone.

Hmpff.

Infuriating.

Well, if you’ve ever been on either side, you know what the wandering eyes or the scroller has to say is not true. Demand respect from your listener. As Bryant McGill says:

“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.”

How well you listen has a major impact on your effectiveness at work and at home, and on the quality of your relationships with others.

Refining the life skill of listening can transform your life and your business.

We listen to gather and obtain information, to understand, to learn and of course, for enjoyment. How we listen can carry a big part in the way we are perceived.

Too often today, we tend to multi-task as we are listening to someone. Experts say we only ‘hear’ 25-50 percent of what we are listening to unless we concentrate!

And often, unfortunately, we wander off, have to refocus again and again, and sometimes even completely stop listening to someone as we are too engrossed in our own problems, our own life, feeling like no one is listening to US…

By becoming a better listener, you can improve your life, your energy to persuade and negotiate, to influence. Listening actively, and mindfully, can benefit your entire life — even the way you see life.

Active and mindful listening can make you more empathetic and kind.

I love quotes, so here’s another one by Dean Jackson:

“Listening is an art that requires attention over talent, spirit over ego, others over self.”

How irritating is it to figure out that someone is not listening to you? You just want to scream, right?!

But when you don’t listen to someone actively, mindfully, you are essentially telling them that they are

• not important
• what I’m doing right now is more important than your story
• I don’t really have time for you right now

And if the last bullet is true, tell your friend, spouse, or colleague this, let them (and yourself) out of the misery and make plans to continue the conversation in five minutes, half an hour, tomorrow.

But don’t just hang out, half listening- it’s not cool.

“Every good conversation starts with good listening.”

Making eye contact, truly listening to someone does take effort. And not just a little.

Put down the phone, stop checking Facebook, concentrate. It seems that many of us have completely lost the art of concentrating on just one thing anymore.

We feel like there is no time to do all the things we need to do.

I urge you to stop and listen. And then:

• Be attentive and relax. Just take this time to listen. Do nothing else.
• Show that you are actively listening by simply nodding, smiling occasionally; use short, verbal comments like ‘yes’ and ‘uh huh.’
• Keep an open mind. Do not criticize the speaker, don’t even do this in your mind. It will just confuse you and maybe even have you miss the most important thing the person has to say.
• And please, don’t be a “sentence-grabber.” Do not interrupt the other person. Let them finish. I know, I used to be the worst. When I learned how to actively listen, I learned so much about the other person and their world.
• Provide feedback only when the speaker is done or when asked.

If you start to lose your focus, immediately stop, and refocus.

“The first duty of love is to listen.”—Paul Tillich

Feelings of empathy allow you to be in the other person’s shoes. When you couple active and mindful listening with empathy, you win. Others will perceive you as a kind and loving person.

This takes energy and concentration. So if you feel exhausted after active listening, congratulate yourself! It means you’ve done your job splendidly!

 “When a woman is talking to you, listen to what she says with her eyes.” —Victor Hugo

You can glean a lot from non-verbal cues and sometimes they speak volumes! You can detect enthusiasm, boredom, or even irritation from gestures and eye movement.

The same goes for you. As the listener, your nonverbal cues can carry a great deal of information to the person you are listening to.

To become an active, mindful, listener, follow these five guidelines

• Pay attention
• Show that you are listening
• Provide feedback
• Defer judgment
• Respond calmly and appropriately

It takes a lot of concentration, and determination to be an active, mindful listener.

If you’re willing to cultivate this one skill, it can make you a better communicator, improve your relationships, and you can become a more productive influencer.

Who are you going to listen to today?

©Taru Nieminen 2017

PowerPoint I used during my Toastmasters speech. 🙂